Friday, 10 September 2010

Poem: Trust In Stan (an ode to estate agents)

Note: this was written specifically for performance. You can see me performing it here:

Hi there
I'm Stan from Stan, Stan and Stan Estates
How are you?
Good good, I'm glad
Glorious day, glorious day
Except for the massive storm obviously
Look at my hair!
It's a kind of gel
It's all crinkly and messed up
It's supposed to look casual
But I spend five hours every morning
Making it look just right
Look at my tie!
Pure penguin skin, I'm assured
Spanking suit and sparkling shoes from Topman

Look at my shiny teeth
And concentrate on my voice
My confident, fast-talking, I-know-my-business voice
Look at my face
Look at my face
I love my job, you're my new best friend
I am a human being
And I'm certainly not doing this for the money

Anyway, this is a great area, great area
That wasn't a gunshot you heard it was a dog bang-barking
This is the building
Crumbling to the ground some say
Near dilapidated some say
Responsible for the death of five elderly charity workers some say
But no, no no
It's not old
It's archaic, from a lost era
Before all your modern fancy “health and safety regulations” came to the fore
Don't look at the front garden
Ignore the severed leg, dead cats and used needles

Concentrate on my face
Look at my face
Look at my face

Let's go in
This is the hallway
No time to look at it properly
What's that?
Smells like a three week-old corpse that's been drowned in its own piss?
Oh, I love your sense of humour
Let's go upstairs
No wheelchair access
But then again
It's their fault for pricing themselves out of the market
By getting all crippled up

Ignore what I say
Just concentrate on my tone
Look at my face
Look at my face
Look at my face

Right now, this is the flat
It's very comfortable and compact
This room is a bedroom slash kitchen slash bathroom
All mods cons
Walls, ceiling, everything
That's not mould, it's just got a very lived in look
Don't look at the mould!

Look at my face
Look at my face
Look at my face
Look at my face

There's no toilet as yet
But there is a very deep sink in the kitchen
And you look like the kind of practical person who will make do
You like animals, right?
Great, great
Then you won't mind the incredibly cute
Special breed of rat-looking mice we installed just for you

Oh look, there's ones now!

Look at my face
Look at my face

What was that?
Oh it's only nine hundred pounds a month
Very cheap for this area
And think about it this way:
It's only a month's wages for you isn't it?

Look at my face
Look at my face

So that's two months rent deposit
And one month rent in advance
And the contract handling fee
Is a hundred pounds
Because, despite what I said earlier
I am in fact a slick, heartless cunt
Haha! I'm joking, obviously.

So are we agreed on the price?
It's not like you have a choice, is it?
Sign here.
Pleasure doing business with you.
Are you getting the bus home?
Well, good luck, I'll probably pass you in my Merc
Which you've helped pay for.

Have a great day.

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