Sunday, 5 February 2012

Project: Escape Bangkok, Chiang Mai, boxing, blowjobs...

And so we leave Bangkok, ears ringing and blood pumping from the madness. I have decided, like so many people, that I don't like the place very much. I thought London would have prepared me for such deranged, spazzy rhythms of life... but London is nothing but a cat's piss hole in the snow to the City of Every Vice Imaginable.

So, we leave for Chiang Mai, a quieter city a 12 hour bus ride away. I love riding the buses in Bangkok - they play films with literally no adherence to anyone who might not want to watch a film with excessive cocaine use ('Blow') or gratuitous violence, such as in 'Blitz'. This is a confused film which seems to think that torture or extortion committed by a policeman is just wicked and fine, but if it's committed by someone who doesn't have Johnny Law on their side... well, it's evil, obviously. Worth watching for Paddy Considine looking bemused as to why he's in such rubbish.

So we arrive in Chiang Mai, where we're given free coffee at a hostel, attempt and fail to hook up with a couchsurfer, and come back to the hostel with our tails between our legs. Furious and myself spend the day in the park, yogaing, eating, and then we meet some delightful people. We wander round some temples, they're pretty awesomely beautiful, and it's genuinely heartwarming to see people worship something that seems a little more life-affirming and worthwhile than a God. Note: must research more about Buddhism, seems interesting. Anyone who can recommend me anything, email me at

Of course, Chiang Mai was relaxing, apart from the Muai Thai boxing, which was insane. There were eight bouts, and pretty much every was covered - men, teenagers, women, and at one point a dwarf running around hitting two blind-folded boxers for our entertainment. We were served beer by extremely flirtatious lady-boys, and generally had a really good time. The boxing ring was in the middle of tons of bars, prostitutes, and generally displayed the seedier side of Thailand... not the dark side, exactly, but definitely seedy. And I'm fine with seedy.

Oh yes, and in Chiang Mai Furiouso and myself were invited to pay for blowjobs in contrasting ways. Here they are:

1) On the way to Chiang Mai, a very aggressive lady screams across the road at us. "OI!" She's got a voice like a Thai lady doing an impression of a racist Millwall fan. When we turn to face her, she makes no bones about making an extremely fast, violent rhythm with her fist towards her mouth. We have little idea of how to respond. I mean, even if I did want to pay for a blowjob, would I want one that terrifying? It looked like she'd take the skin off and gnaw it to a bloody stump.

2) A much lovelier way was with the aforementioned lady boy at the lady boy bar who was serving us at the boxing match. I went into the bar, and asked where the toilet was. She told me, and then (I swear) said: "If you would like a blowjob, just let me know", and she didn't seem at all bothered when I said smiled politely and said no.

After two lovely days in Chiang Mai, we take the five hour bus ride to Pai, which really is worth another blogpost on it's own, so I'll stop here for now.

I hear it's freezing in the UK. Sucks.

Over n out.